Sitting by the graveside, as I visit the final resting place of both my parents, I am overtaken by a sense of peace and love and tranquility that transcends all sadness of how much I miss their physical beings. I miss the feeling of stability that comes of sensorily connecting to the wellspring of my physiology. Believing that my biology is in many ways my biography, I feel the responsibility of evolving my biography to reflect not just the pain of the past, but more importantly the effect of love in providing limitless hope that serves to conquer despair.
Life goes on, even once we lose those who brought us into life… but it’s never quite the same, despite connecting to love in new and different ways. In some ways, love becomes less encumbered without the triviality of day-day minutiae and hence it can be felt more completely than before. None-the-less, it is experienced differently.
This is my personal reflection on what I have learned from my parents as I sit in the total silence of nature amidst the tombstones; my father having left my side over 2 years ago, my mother having only left 6 months ago…
I envision your two souls side by side once again. I hope you are now where you both belong, united again with those you were once connected to through love; sharing a new understanding and perspective through the wisdom acquired over your life times in the physical realm, now departed. I hope you are now without the pain and suffering you endured over your lifetime, and rather than seeing all the personal loss as you once did, I hope you see the truth of our temporary nature here on Earth. I hope this now seems a gift in service to the development of our true spirit nature, as we inevitably return to spirit carrying the riches of insight acquired through living our physical experiences.
I know beyond any doubt, that you both would protect me from suffering and pain if you could (as you so often tried to shield me in life), and yet you must now see its impossibility so long as we cling to the limitations of understanding life through our externally driven senses. In truth, these deceptive devices that we become conditioned to accepting are highly overrated. They are deficient in accessibility to that which lies beneath the surface nature of things, constrained from reaching into the depth of seeing things as they truly are.
I have much gratitude for the benefit of wisdom gained through both of you up until the present moment, as well as my being guided towards great teachers whose words resonate as my own truth… I am the vast space of growing clarity, seeing every day how much more always lies beneath the surface of things as they seem to be.
There was so much you did not dare to share through words, and there is no shame and no blame in my realizing that your suffering was too enormous to ever permit you to fully let down the barriers erected to protect your vulnerability. You each did this in opposing ways, and maybe this was a crucial lesson; i.e. there is no single way for humans react to the circumstances they encounter, but many. Whether it was dad who acted from a pillar of strength, i.e. a place devoid of personal needs… or mom, who acted from a place of fear, i.e. a place of perpetual neediness; neither being primary emanations of the heart, but rather serving as the protective shields over the heart’s gentle radiance. Either polarity serves the heart by shielding its fragility, but only the language of trust, self-compassion, and self-love set it free. The language of the heart speaks ultimate truth, and this longing to be released continues to exert its energy. The language of truth must be spoken for the soul to have demonstrated its purpose. As the inner barriers of self-protection came down in your later days of life, you delivered what your soul longed for and I became a beneficiary of your rites of passage.
Dad, I am truly sorry that I found it so difficult to bare your most profound moments of self-expression. I know your life’s desire was to shield me from suffering. I fell down on my capacity to hold your suffering; instead I mistakenly took it on as my own. I now know this was your soul’s long-repressed opportunity for self-expression. I only hope that I didn’t disappoint you too much by my momentary engulfment, as I was taken off guard at witnessing your pain. I hope I didn’t restrain your ability to release what wasn’t serving you in those final moments before passing on. I’m certain you knew it was the immensity of my love for you that urged me to contain your further suffering. The wisdom of your soul recognized far greater suffering had been previously endured. All that remained to be done then, was final surrender. I pray you achieved your final self-less act, as I found each act of your life to be self-less. I hope that our last conversation only moments before you passed, reflected my readiness to let you go… and you felt set free without regret of any unfinished business. I hope that in any small and wonderful way, I manage to bring a grain of honor to your life through my own . You continue to inspire my every effort to commit positively to this world. I aim to share some aspect of what I gained by loving you with all who avail themselves to my support. I hope to instil the dignity of validation with each encounter I share. Doesn’t everyone merit to recognize their worthiness of love, and don’t all deserve to have their voice heard? The human craving for validation can only be satisfied through risking an open heart. To risk opening our self at the point of greatest vulnerability, requires vast courage. I hope to become a vessel of safety, permitting others to open themselves up to the flow of love through the truths they dare to share.
Mom, the gifts you shared in the last few years of your life were the gold treasure I had forever been seeking, even without knowing I was worthy of so much. Through you, I was bestowed the gift of clear sight… seeing beyond the most impenetrable surface, to what lies beneath. Through life’s depth and the darkness, we gain access to meaningful treasures. The bounty buried below is nothing less than the beauty of the full heart, radiating its bright light to illuminate all it surroundings. Your beautiful, tender, maternal heart shone fully once you were no longer threatened by the self-limiting beliefs. Your past mantra, “No one knows but me” was magically transformed into “You know so much…” as your heart softened and the bridge of love between us finally announced its presence. In your final years, you gave me the act of grace I needed most. You opened your heart and revealed the truth of what lay buried there. The wisdom behind your truth set free your immense love for me, and with this barrier dropped all weapons were rendered obsolete. Your loving spirit provided new terms that opened me to becoming a better person. How fitting it seems that you were not satisfied to leave this world in any lesser way. Perhaps your final selfless feat of ego sacrifice was enabled through the alter of dementia, the mind burning up all that stood in the way of love before, leaving me standing in its infinite power. Today I am assured that love is the only truth that exists; all else are lessons that point us toward this discovery.
I salute both of you, my beloved mom and dad! There are no finer examples of parents anywhere on Earth, each having been perfectly flawed humans who were dedicated to elevating me to my fullest human potential. There will never be a limit to my gratitude. I remember you today… and every day, as I think of my two shining examples of love. Through your loving spirits, my heart radiates new light every day. Every ray of light I brings forth is a direct tribute to you both, my dear and cherished parents.